Who's to Say (One Shot)
by CleopatrasDream
Summary: Ever wanted someone so much, that they're the first thing you think about when you wake up, and the last thing you think about before you go to sleep...? Content rating: 18


Ever wanted someone so much, that they're the first thing you think about when you wake up, and the last thing you think about before you go to sleep? Their name, whether said out loud or written down, makes you get butterflies? A glance at someone that looks a little like them makes your pulse race? When you imagine them with someone else, it makes your stomach churn? And the thought of them never being yours, makes your heart ache?

That's what it's been like for me for the past six months. Its torture, that's the only way I can describe what it feels like.

We barely spoke the first time we met, just a quick ''Hi, nice to meet you.'' She was a friend of one of Tina's cousins who had brought a few friends along to Tina's birthday party. When I first saw her face, of course I thought she was pretty, but that night I was more interested in the Uni's gymnastic team captain, than meeting new people. I'd been trying to get Lana's attention for a while, so when she'd accepted my invitation to Tina's party, it was my opportunity to impress her, and it worked, cos' after that night, she became my girlfriend.

But then, everything had to get complicated. Tina's cousin Cassie started at the same Uni as us, and so did the same pretty friend that had been at the party that night. After that, they were at nearly every party we were at, and the more time we all spent together, the more I started to notice the other girl. They hung out at our house all the time, and I got to learn more about Sian. She could make me laugh, she was so easy to talk to about even the most random of things, and it got to the point where even the mention of her name made me smile. One night at another one of the parties a few months back, she just seemed even more beautiful, her smile even more captivating, and her laugh was the most intoxicating sound I'd ever heard. That was the night I first kissed her.

We'd been in the kitchen getting more drinks, and we both reached for the last bottle of beer on the worktop. My fingers brushed against hers, and although I knew it was crazy, I was sure I felt a jolt of electricity shoot through me simply from a moment of her touch. I hadn't been able to focus on anything else that night since she'd walked through the door of the party, and now being alone with her, being this close to her, made my head spin and I knew it wasn't just the alcohol.

''It's all yours.'' She smiled at me, holding the beer bottle out to me.

''Nah, honestly, you have it. I'll just have, erm… one of these.'' I replied, picking up a can of cider and seeing her smirk.

''Do you even like cider?'' she asked watching me closely. I knew she was trying to read me, to work out whether the response I was about to give was the truth, even to a question as innocent as whether or not I liked a certain drink. It was a little unsettling, but strangely it also turned me on a little, there was something in her eyes that just made me get lost in them, and I could feel the heat rise within me as I looked back at her. I shook my head as I scrunched up my nose and I put the can back down, scanning over the other drinks on offer and heard her laugh.

''You want it right?'' I looked over to her again as she held the beer bottle up with a grin. I nodded with a pout, watching her smile grow in response. ''Then you should take what you want.'' Well who could say no to an offer like that?!

In that very moment, all thoughts of anything other than Sian went out of my head. All I could think of was taking her like she'd suggested, and so that's exactly what I did. I grabbed the bottle from her, setting it on the worktop before I leaned in and captured her lips with my own. Feeling her hesitate for a few seconds before she kissed me back, I moved my hands to her waist and deepened the kiss, letting my tongue meet hers. She tasted so sweet, her warm tongue against mine, as I moved my hands slowly up her sides, but I suddenly felt her hands against my shoulders pushing me away. I broke the kiss and rested out foreheads together, keeping my eyes closed as I tried to control my breathing.

''We can't do this.'' She whispered.

''Why not?'' I asked, leaning back in to kiss her again.

''You have a girlfriend Sophie.'' I quickly opened my eyes as Lana came to mind, and I felt sick. I'd never cheated on anyone, and Lana was the last person who deserved to be treated that way.

Sian pushed me back lightly by my stomach and I stepped back as I licked my lips still tasting her on them. ''Sian I-'' She placed her fingers against my lips, stopping me from speaking.

''Don't.'' she whispered as she shook her head lightly and skimmed her fingertips so lightly across my lips making them tingle. A moment later, someone walked into the kitchen and Sian quickly removed her hand and made her way out of the kitchen without another word.

After that night, Sian acted like nothing had happened, even the couple of times she'd briefly been at the house with Tina's cousin, she barely looked at me, and avoided talking to me except for a quick 'hi' and 'bye' each time. But I couldn't think of anything except her, always wondering when I'd next get to see her.

A couple of weeks later at yet another party, I thought I'd get the opportunity to speak to her about what had happened, but she avoided me most of the evening, spending majority of her time flirting with the basketball players. I couldn't take my eyes off her all night, even with Lana right there beside me. Don't get me wrong, I felt guilty, but I didn't want guys talking to Sian, thinking they had a chance with her, maybe getting her number and trying it on with her. I knew she wasn't mine, but it didn't stop me from feeling like she was, or at least should be.

The minute I saw her make her way towards the kitchen, I excused myself, giving Lana a peck on the cheek, telling her I was going to get another drink, before I followed in the direction Sian has gone. When I walked through into the kitchen, there was only a group of lads doing shots, along with some girl crying over her boyfriend being so far away and her friend trying to comfort her. Seeing the back door open, I made my way outside and looked around, but didn't see anyone. Sighing to myself, I went to walk back in the house, until I heard her voice.

''I take it you didn't come out here to star gaze then?'' I turned my head in the direction of the far side of the house where there was a little alley way to the side of it, and there she was, leaning against the wall, blowing out a puff of smoke into the air.

''Want one?'' she asked me, as she held out the pack in my direction.

''I don't smoke.'' I said, getting a small nod in response as she slipped the pack back into her bag. I walked closer to her, keeping eye contact as I reached up and took the cigarette from her mouth, before putting it between my lips and taking a drag. She watched me with a smirk, not saying a word as I took another drag and leaned on the wall opposite her, resting one foot behind myself.

''Having a good night then?'' I asked, still not taking my eyes off hers.

''It's alright.'' she answered with a small smile.

''Yeah, you seem to be making loads of new friends.'' She frowned, as my words came out harsher than I meant them to. But thinking about those guys fawning all over her, made my blood boil.

''What's that supposed to mean?'' She looked hurt and also pretty pissed off.

''Nothing, just didn't know you were such a big fan of Basketball, or is it just the attention you like?''

''How dare you! You have no right talking to me like this.'' And she was right, I didn't. It was just jealousy getting the better of me, and I was taking it out on her. Pushing herself away from her wall, she made a move to leave, but quickly throwing the cigarette on the ground, I stepped towards her and resting my hands on her hips, pinning her against the wall.

''Don't go. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.'' I quickly blurted out, looking into her bright blue eyes which were staring back at me.

''Don't do this Sophie.'' she said, trying to push my hands off her hips, but I didn't budge.

''Tell me you don't feel anything for me and then I'll let you go.''

''Stop messing around Soph.'' She went to push herself away from the wall again, but I pushed her back against it and heard her breath hitch as I pressed my body into hers.

''I'm not messing.'' Not able to hold back anymore, I crashed my lips on to hers, automatically deepening the kiss pushing my tongue into her mouth which she instantly accepted. Her body relaxed against the wall, as I heard her bag drop on the ground behind me before her hands tangled in my hair and I moved mine behind her, over her bum and down to the hem of her dress, not hesitating in dragging it up her thighs, and pressing my hand against her underwear, eliciting a small moan from her.

She pushed down against my hand, making me smirk into the kiss, at her attempt to get more contact. Hoping to not be making the biggest, most embarrassing mistake of my life, I took a chance and urgently slipped her underwear to the side before I ran my fingers through her folds. God she was wet, and it was making me that way just feeling how turned on she must have already been. She didn't push me away or tell me to stop as I circled over her clit a few times, making her break from the kiss and let out a heavy breath.

''We shouldn't be doing this.'' she whispered, as I quickly captured her lips again, not wanting to give her the chance to stop this. If there was one thing I knew at that exact moment, it was that I had to have her, and as she kissed me back eagerly, I knew that she had to have me too and I couldn't wait any longer. As our tongues caressed each other, I slid my fingers further down and easily pushed two inside her, earning a long moan and feeling her hands gripping tighter in my hair. Raising one of her legs, I hooked it around my waist and started up a pace inside her, getting lost in her, letting myself imagine she was mine, because in that moment, she was.

I parted our lips to kiss along her jawline and down her neck, trailing my tongue along her skin. She tasted so sweet, I couldn't help but imagine what the rest of her tasted like. ''Fuck, Sophie!'' Hearing her panting in my ear, her whimpers as she tried to control her moans, it only spurred me on more and I quickened my pace, pumping my fingers in and out of her faster. I knew there was a possibility of getting caught, I mean we were outside and anybody could walk out at any minute, but something about Sian made me not care about anything else at that moment.

''Jesus you're sexy.'' I growl in her ear. I couldn't help it, the noises she was making, the way she felt, the way she looked, it was turning me on more than I thought possible. I took her ear lobe in my mouth, sucking on it and biting on it lightly, as I ran my hand that was still gripping her thigh, around to cup her bum, pulling her into me more as I curled my fingers inside her.

''Umm, fuck… Sophie, I… I'm gonna come.'' I felt her nails digging into my back through my top, as she clenched around my fingers and buried her face into my shoulder muffling her moans. With a final curl of my fingers, and my lips attached to her neck, she came against my hand, my fingers instantly being covered in her moisture.

After a moment, with both are breathing heavy, I pulled back as she removed her face from my shoulder and I looked in her eyes. They were so much darker, and I knew mine would have been the same. Her hair was a little messy but she looked gorgeous, and knowing that she'd came so hard for me made me feel incredible, she was incredible. I wanted to do it all over again, but we were suddenly jolted back to reality by the sound of someone's voice, and not just anyone…

''Sophie? Babe, you out here?'' Lana's voice called from just outside the back door and made my head whip round to the side, as I froze. My breathing was still heavy, and Sian covered my mouth with her hand as I looked back to her and we stared into each other's eyes. Her eyes were an amazing colour, even though they were darker than before, they still shone brightly in the darkness of the night.

I knew it was probably the most inappropriate thing I could have done right at that moment, but I slowly began moving my fingers again and swept my thumb over her clit. There was nothing she could do, she couldn't push me away, she couldn't make a sound, not unless she wanted to be caught with her dress around her waist and my fingers still inside her, so she did the only thing she could do, she scrunched her eyes closed and let me continue.

''Soph?'' Lana called again, but this time I didn't halt my actions. Having experienced what it was like to have Sian tighten round my fingers as she reached her climax, I had to feel it again. I kept my eyes on her as she bit down hard on her bottom lip stopping herself from moaning, and her hand dropped from my mouth as she gripped on to my shoulder. I watched her, as she looked back at me, her eyes burning into mine as I continued to move inside her. She truly was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. Her eyes were the most beautiful blue, her lips were so plump and soft, her skin was just flawless, and her sex face was such a turn on. Her head fell back against the wall when I curled my fingers again, and I moved my other hand to the strap of her dress, pulling it down and exposing her breast. I didn't hesitate for a second in taking her nipple in my mouth and swirling my tongue over it. She let out a heavy breath and her hand found the back of my head holding me against her.

A few seconds later, I heard Lana walk back inside and I couldn't help but suck harder on Sian's nipple, making her let out a low groan. I kissed my way back up her chest and attached my lips to her neck, sucking lightly, knowing I can't leave a mark but still wanting to taste her skin.

''Ohhh…'' she groaned, and as I felt her begin to tighten around me again, I crashed our lips together and I pressed the palm of my hand against her clit, curling my fingers. She moaned into my mouth as her body tensed and she tipped over the edge once more as she bit down hard on my lip, making me groan at the slight pain.

I rested my forehead on hers as both our breathing started to calm and I continued a few more slow movements inside her letting her fully ride out her orgasm. After a few moments, I pulled back to look at her face, and she still looked incredible, but I automatically saw something in her eyes… what was that, regret? I gulped as I gently removed my fingers from her and lowered her leg from my waist, sucking in my bottom lip and tasting a hint of blood.

''Shit.'' she mumbled as she fixed her dress down and ruffled her hands through her hair.

''Sian I-''

''This was a mistake Sophie.'' she stated as she bent down and picked up her bag, before she slipped past me and took a few steps before I grabbed her arm halting her, and she turned around again to face me, but didn't make eye contact. ''We should just forget about it yeah?'' I couldn't believe she was telling me to forget what we had just done. I just had my fingers inside her as she moaned my name less than 30 seconds ago and now she was acting like that meant nothing.

''Sian plea-''

''You have a girlfriend Sophie, you remember her don't you?'' I frowned at her.

''Course I do!'' I stated seriously.

''Listen, we've both had too much to drink an-''

''Don't say that! I've had two beers and I've been watching you all night and you've had three maximum, so don't tell me you're drunk Sian. You wanted this as much as I did!''

''Sophie…'' I took a step closer to her and she took one back making me stop and sigh.

''Sian, please listen okay? I want this… you. I'll end it with Lana, we can try-''

''No! Don't do that.'' She let out a sigh of her own. ''Shit Sophie, I… I'm not even gay.''

I couldn't help but snort out a sarcastic laugh as I took my hand back. ''Really? Well what the hell do you call letting me fuck you up against a wall?!''

''Sophie!'' She frowned at my words, but seriously what could she say? It was true. ''I can't deal with this.'' She turned and walked a few steps, but then stopped and turned on the spot again to face me. ''Just give me some time yeah… to get my head around things, then we can talk… please.''

So I did exactly that. After she'd made that request, she walked back into the house and I let her leave without another word. I didn't break up with Lana and I didn't tell anyone about what had happened that night. That was five months ago now, and for the past four months and three weeks, I've been regularly having sex with the same Blonde goddess that mesmerised me from the first time I saw her.

I just wish everything was simpler, but then life never is. It's like it tests you to see how strong you really are, how much your heart can take. The thing is, I love Lana, I really do, she's amazing, sweet, beautiful, has a body to die for and she'd do anything for me, but I just can't get Sian out of my head. It's not fair to Lana, I know it's not, me thinking about someone else when _she's_ my girlfriend, but I can't stop. I have considered breaking up with her so many times, but I do care about her and I don't want to hurt her, but it's inevitable really, because whether I breakup with her, or she finds out about me and Sian, she's still going to get hurt. It really sucks, I don't think I could actually ask for a more perfect girlfriend, she should be more than enough for me, but for some reason she's just not.

Even if I was to break up with Lana, Sian would never acknowledge that we're in any kind of relationship. She still insists she's straight, besides the fact that she sees me as often as she can and screams my name at the top of her voice as I pleasure her. For a 'straight girl' she's also certainly learnt a lot about how to please another woman over the last few months. She says I'm the only girl she thinks of this way though, and it gives me massive butterflies when she does, but then I realise that we'll never be more than two people that have casual sex. The most incredible, mind blowing, best, most intense sex I've ever experienced, and the thought kills me that .

Right now we're lying in her bed after yet another furious meeting, our limbs tangled together, both trying to get our breathing back to normal, as her fingers dance delicately over my stomach, and my arm is wrapped around her waist, my hand resting on her hip. I can't get enough of this girl, and suspect that I never will, I crave her every second.

''Cassie will be back soon.'' she says glancing at the clock. Sian lives in the university dorms and shares a room with Tina's cousin Cassie. It's pretty risky every time I come here, especially since Cassie could walk in any moment, but honestly, when I'm with Sian, all my worries of anything or anyone else disappear. Besides, I can't have her over at the house since either Tina or Megan is nearly always there at some point during the day, and no one would ever think of looking for me here.

As she shifts besides me about to get up, I quickly tighten my hold on her, as I roll her on to her back and lie on top of her. ''Sophie what ya doing?'' she giggles out as I look down at her.

''I'm not finished with you yet.'' I say as I lean in and brush my lips lightly over hers, watching as she closes her eyes, but before I kiss her, I move my lips to her jawline instead and trail kisses down to her neck. Over the past few months, I have become very fond of her neck, the taste, the smell, the smooth inviting skin that I can't resist.

''Mmmm…'' she hums as I suck lightly on her pulse point, running a hand down her body. ''Soph, we don't ha- ohhhhh… have time.'' she groans as I reach her centre and rub my fingers over her still extremely sensitive clit, making her raise her hips upward, looking for more contact.

''I'll be quick, I promise.'' I mumble as I shift my body down and trail my lips over her torso, hearing her giggle. I definitely don't wanna miss out on my chance to have her at least once more before I have to go. Hearing her breath hitch as I reach my destination and hook her legs over my shoulders, I smirk to myself knowing the effect of what I do has on her, before I plunge my tongue deep inside her. A loud moan erupts from her, and I withdraw my tongue slowly before pushing it back inside her, feeling her hand at the back of my head holding me against her.

''Fuck…'' she pants, as her other hand reaches up and grips tight to the headboard of the bed, and as I hit a particular spot I know is guaranteed to drive her wild, she gasps and her back arches off the bed, her grip tightening in my hair. ''Jesus, you're so good at that.'' she groans, the huskiness of her voice sending a shiver down inside me, straight to my centre. I can never hear enough of her telling me how much she enjoys what I do to her. Removing my tongue again and running it over the full length of her wetness, I suck on her clit for a few moments before tracing the path back down and pushing my tongue back deep inside her, earning a loud guttural moan as I circle my thumb over her clit as.

Hearing her breathing, how each breath got more shallow, just like it did every time she was close to tipping over the edge, I brush my thumb over her clit, applying more pressure as I continue to rub it in a circular motion and plunge my tongue deeper and deeper inside her, reaching as much of her as I can. Feeling her start to tighten around my tongue, her moans coming more often, her hips bucking off the mattress, I know it's only a matter of seconds before she reaches her climax. Quickly pulling my tongue out and replacing it with two fingers, I attach my mouth to her clit again, pressing hard with my tongue as I curl my fingers inside her.

''Soph… wait.'' She tugs on my hair and I glance up to see her looking down at me. Removing my mouth from her, but keeping my fingers inside her, I let her legs drop from my shoulders and I crawl up her body so I'm hovering over her, looking down into her eyes.

''What's up, did I hurt you?'' I ask her, receiving a shake of her head in response, her breathing still fast and shallow.

''I just… I want to see you.'' she whispers.

I move a piece of hair from her slightly sweaty forehead and sweep it back behind her ear. It's moment like this that make me come back every time. Of course the sex is amazing, but small moments like this make it even more special, and make me realise it's Sian I should be waking up to every morning for the rest of my life. Smiling, I lean down and capture her lips with mine, kissing her softly as I start to move my fingers again and her arms wrap around me, one on the back of my neck and the other on my waist. It's in these moments, I realise that Sian isn't just someone I'm fucking behind my girlfriend's back, because when I'm with her like this, it's more than that. There's real feelings involved, on my part anyway, and I try to relay that through every touch, every caress, every kiss. I'm not fucking her, I'm making love to her.

Leaning back, I watch her face. Every tiny expression, how her lips part, how her brow creases ever so slightly as I pump my fingers in and out slower than before, and she looks right back at me, the atmosphere now changed slightly.

Curling my fingers, I brush my thumb against her clit and her eyes scrunch closed for a second before she opens them again looking right back at me, pulling the back of my neck crashing our lips together. Speeding up my pace a little more, I curl my fingers again making her moan into my mouth as I feel her hips rocking against my hand and her muscles begin to tighten around my fingers again. With a few more thrusts and a final curl or my fingers as I rub my thumb over her, she pulls out of the kiss as she loudly moans my name and bites down hard on her bottom lip, her body shuddering as she comes hard against my hand.

Feeling extremely pleased with myself as I feel the moisture that covers my fingers, I listen to her small moans and whimpers as I kiss up her neck and along her jawline, before I reach her lips. I kiss her softly, running my tongue across her bottom lip and being granted access immediately and I can't help the small moan that escapes me as her tongue caresses mine. I slowly remove my fingers from her and she lets out a small groan at the action making me smile.

''You're amazing, you know that?'' I state sincerely as I pull back to look at her and she gives me a small smile as she bites her bottom lip. I gently trace the fingertips of my other hand down her face. ''You're so beautiful… Sian, I need to tell you something. I wan-''

''You really should get going.'' she interrupts me. ''Cassie is due back any time now.'' I can't help but sigh in frustration. Any time I try to talk to her about things, try to tell her how I really feel, what I want, she changes the subject and tries to avoid it.

''Sian, I'm trying to tell you how-''

''Not now Sophie okay.'' She gently pushes me back making me roll to her side, as she shuffles off the bed and grabs her underwear from the floor as she pulls them on.

''Why?'' I frown, looking at her as she turns back in my direction as I pull myself up so I'm sitting.

''Do you want to get caught?'' she asks almost in disbelief.

''Of course not, but we need to talk.''

''No we don't.'' She turns away again as she pulls on her jeans and I quickly shuffle off the bed to stand behind her, placing my hand on her hips as I spin her around to face me.

''Yes Sian, we do.'' She glances down at my naked figure, making me slightly smug as I see her eyes roaming over me, before she catches herself and her eyes shoot back up to meet mine.

''Why are you doing this? Things are fine how they are, don't ruin them.'' I can't believe she's serious, she actually thinks things are fine. I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her for five months, waiting for her to realise this thing between us is more than she wants to admit.

''Because, I want you to admit that this is something.'' I say gesturing between us, and I see something in her eyes which looks like panic.

''It's sex Sophie, amazing sex I admit but-.''

''It's more than that and you know it!'' I'm not letting her brush this off, she's got to know how I feel about her by now. ''I'm crazy about you Sian, and I know you have feelings for me.''

''Sophie please! I can't do this right now, and you need to get dressed.'' She steps around me and walks to where my shirt is lying on the floor. Picking it up, she throws it to me and I catch it throwing it down on her bed.

''You know what Sian, we will do this now!'' My voice is more stern now. ''I'm sick and tired of you ignoring this, us, of waiting for you to decide that I'm enough for you.''

''You have a girlfriend Sophie.''

''Why are you always bringing that up?!'' I ask her, no longer hiding the fact I'm pissed off at her, as I start throwing my clothes on and sitting on the edge of the bed to slip my shoes on.

''Because it's true!'' she shouts at me, her temper now rising as I stand back up in front of her.

''And I told you the first night we… I told you I would end it, I just need to know that you want this as much as I do.'' I step towards her, resting my hand on her hips. She doesn't push me away, but she glances at the clock again, always so conscious of the time when we're together. Always afraid someone's going to walk in and find us together. Honestly, sometimes I wish it would happen, just so I wouldn't have to hide my feelings for her anymore. But I know she wouldn't be able to handle it, she has a tough enough time admitting it to herself, there's definitely no way she could tell anyone else. ''I want you.'' I tell her honestly.

''And you have me, multiple times a week.'' She grins, as she trails her finger down the centre of my chest trying to be cute, and I know she's trying to make me drop the conversation. ''Why can't that be enough?''

''Because I want more Sian. I…'' I take a deep breath, as I entwine our fingers as our hands swing between us. ''I'm falling in love with you.'' I see her face drop, and in that second it's like my heart stops. ''You can't say it back can you?'' She looks down, unable to look me in the eye any longer. I sniff back tears that are threatening to show themselves, but I don't want to cry in front of her. ''Right, well, I guess… I'll just… go then.''

I quickly step around her and head towards the door, wanting to get out of their before I make myself look like anymore of a fool. ''Soph, wait!'' Letting out a sigh, I reluctantly turn back around. ''Don't I get a kiss?'' I look at her puzzled, as I let out a small sarcastic laugh under my breath. I don't understand at all how she once again acts as if nothing has happened, as if she hasn't just broke my heart by her lack of any response to me declaring my love for her. I couldn't keep doing this, waiting for someone that will never feel the same about me, someone that will never want me the way I want them.

I take the few steps back in her direction, seeing a small smile appear on her lips at the fact she wins again. I gently cup her face in my hands and place my lips on hers, letting them linger there as I feel tears start to sting behind my eyelids. She raises one of her hands and holds my wrist, keeping me there a little longer, and the gesture makes my stomach flip, but it doesn't change anything.

As I pull away, I watch her eyes flicker open as she looks directly into mine and her face displays a small frown, almost likes she's distracted by her thoughts. The kiss felt different, we could both feel it, and I think we both understood what it meant but neither if us wanted to say it. Taking a final look at her beautiful face, I pick up my jacket from where it had been thrown when I'd arrived earlier, before I make my way out of her room.

''Jesus, what the hell happened to you?'' Tina asked as I made my way through the front door of the house. I'd chosen to walk back from Sian's dorm, and it had decided to rain along the way. I'd been thankful for it at the time, it allowed me to finally cry without anyone noticing, but now as I glanced in the mirror and saw the bloodshot eyes, streaked mascara down my face, with drenched hair and clothes, I felt even more shit if that was possible.

''Got caught in the rain.'' I said knowing I was stating the obvious.

''No shit.'' Tina laughed as she walked into the kitchen grabbing a towel of the side and throwing it to me. ''Everything okay?''

''Yeah.'' I lied. That's been one of the toughest things about the last few months, not being able to talk to my best friend when I've been frustrated or upset or pissed off with Sian. Because she's not my girlfriend, she's not the one that everyone thinks I'm in love with. ''I'm just gonna jump in the shower.'' I said as I made my way upstairs.

An hour later and I was lying in my bedroom staring at the ceiling. I guess I always kind of knew from the start that Sian would never be able to come out and tell people about us, and I could understand she was scared, but she was the one who had come to me the week after that first night we had sex. I'm not saying I hadn't been hoping she would, that I hadn't been thinking about her non-stop, wishing I'd get to see her again, and soon, before she turned up at my front door, but she was the one that pursued this. If she didn't think she could ever really be with me properly, why did she bother at all, unless this really is just sex for her.

Letting out a sigh, I lean over and pick up my phone from beside my bed. I knew one thing for sure, and that was that I couldn't keep lying to myself, or anyone else. Scrolling through my contacts, I find the person I was looking for, before pressing the call button. It rings a few times before she answers.

_''Hi baby, you still coming over later?''_

_''Hey. Yeah listen, can I come over earlier? I need to talk to you about something.''_

That was the day I broke up with Lana. I felt like one of the worst people in the world as she asked me why. I told her the truth, well the part truth. I told her I'd cheated on her and I didn't deserve to be with someone as good as her, but I didn't tell her it was with Sian. As much as it hurt me that Sian didn't love me back, I could never hurt her by outing her. After I confessed to Lana, she screamed at me, she cried a lot and then she even eventually said she could forgive me and we could try to get past it. She'd noticed that things had been different between us for the past few months and that I'd become less and less intimate with her, and she thought maybe I'd got bored of her. It made my heart ache. This girl should never have to settle for anything less than the best, for someone that loved her so much that they would never even consider cheating on her. I told her I cared about her too much to ever chance hurting her the same way again, and it was true. I really did love her, she'd become one of my best friends during the time we'd been together and I never wanted to lose her as that.

It's a month later and I've talked to Lana a few times since. We're trying to stay friends, but I know she still has feelings for me and I don't want to lead her on so I've been trying to only spend time with her when there's a group of us doing something together. I've heard nothing from Sian for the past week. For the first three weeks after I left her dorm that day, she'd text and called me nearly every day asking when I was next going to see her. I replied the first few times telling her I was busy, but after that I stopped responding. It was too hard to continue seeing her, knowing that we couldn't be a real couple and that I would never be able to tell everyone how much I loved her. So I decided it was best to stop seeing her and I haven't, as difficult as it's been because she's all I think about. She stopped coming round altogether, even when Cassie was visiting. It's been four weeks and it hasn't yet got even the slightest bit easier.

Tina of course thought I was crazy for breaking up with Lana, the hottest girl at uni, and still hasn't stopped hounding me about who it was I cheated with. She's been pissed at me for not wanting to go out clubbing for the last few weeks, and instead moping around the house every night, her words not mine, so she's made me promise to go out this weekend.

It's Friday and I've just got back from morning lectures, definitely not in the mood for going out and drinking tonight. I know that if I do I'll end up feeling even more shit, but I can't back out on Tina now, she'd actually kill me. Throwing my stuff on the sofa, I make my way into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of water, just as there's a knock at the front door. Making my way towards it, I glance in the mirror noticing how tired I've started to look from not sleeping lately. Screw it, it's not like I've got anyone to impress anyway.

Swinging the front door open, I instantly get a shock. ''Sia-…'' Before I even get to finish saying her name, her lips are covering mine and I'm pushed up against the wall. It's been too long since I felt her lips, so as soon as I realise what's going on, I kiss her back, wrapping my hands around her waist as hers grip tightly to the collar of my shirt. It feels so good to have her so close again, her tongue caressing mine, her body pressing against me, her hands running down my stomach and slipping under the hem of my shirt.

I quickly grab her waist and push her back in her direction of the sofa, until her hips hit the back of it and I press myself into her, kissing her more passionately as her fingers work on the buttons of my shirt, revealing my bra as she pulls back and glances down to my exposed torso. ''God, I've missed you.'' she says huskily before she crashes her lips back against mine. As amazing as this feels, nothing's changed, and she's probably just sexually frustrated and looking for a release.

''Wait…'' I mumble against her lips, but she continues to kiss me eagerly. ''Sian, wait!'' I push her away, licking my lips, god I've missed that taste. Shaking the thought from my head, I let go of her and step back. ''I can't do this.'' I tell her, and I see a flash of hurt in her eyes as she takes a step towards me. ''Don't.'' I hold my hand up between us to stop her coming any closer. ''Why are you here, Sian?'' I ask her making her frown.

''I… I wanted to see you.''

''Why now? It's been weeks Sian, I think we both know this, whatever it was, is finished.'' I say as I gesture between us.

''Sophie, can we at least talk.'' I let out a sigh. We've not managed to talk about anything to do with 'us' since this whole thing began, so I don't think that now will be any different.

''Tina will be back soon.''

''Well, we could go to your room?''

''I'm not so sure that's such a good idea.'' I know that it's not. Sophie + Sian + Bedroom with king size bed = Nakedness and hot sex. Not talking, unless it's dirty talk at least and as good as that sounds, I definitely need the talking right now, I need to know what's going on with her and how she feels.

''I don't care, please Soph.'' The sound of her saying my name like that, it's always given me butterflies and I can't help but look into her gorgeous blue eyes. By the looks of it, she hasn't been sleeping much lately either, but I dread to think whether that's because she's been upset over us not seeing each other, or if someone else has been keeping her up at night. Fuck, I don't even want to think of the possibility of her being with someone else. I drag my gaze away from her, cos if I don't I won't be able to keep myself from kissing her again.

''Look, if you want to talk then maybe we should go for a walk or something.'' If we stay here I can't guarantee I can keep myself from dragging her to my room and having her the way I've missed having her for the past month. She nods at me in agreement and I grab my jacket from the back of the sofa before I gesture towards the front door.

Walking through the park, it's tough to not feel relaxed in the beaming sun and cool breeze that surrounds us, even with the slight awkwardness. The walk to get here was almost silent, with neither one of us sure of how to start the conversation I guess, but someone has to.

''So what was it you wanted to say?'' I ask her as she glances at me. She silently points to a bench next to us, and I let out a sigh before I take a seat. She sits down beside me and shuffles for a few seconds before she actually speaks.

''Ok… look, I know I handled things badly, but I'm just really no good at this.''

''At what? Saying how you feel? Not making people feel like an idiot when they tell you how they fee-''

''Yes. All of that, and I'm sorry. Listen… I was scared okay, I still am, but I need to tell you now that...'' She stops, and I look into her eyes searching for a clue to what she could possibly need to say now after 4 weeks of nothing, but all I can see is the fear in her eyes.

''What do you want to tell me?'' I look back at her, seeing her staring right at me. Her eyes are slightly teary, and all I want to do is reach out and cup her face, smooth my thumb over her cheek and tell her everything's okay, but I can't. It's like I'm just transfixed, watching her as she seems to sit and think carefully about what she's going to say next.

''You… you look at me like I'm the only person in the entire world.'' She looks away from me and down to her own hands as she fidgets slightly.

''That's because for me you are, Sian.'' I didn't have to think for even a second to tell her that, I've been wanting to let her know for so long now, and almost as if she wasn't expecting me to tell her, her head darts back up to look at me.

''But you have Lana, and I just… I know that you lov-.''

''You.'' I quickly interrupt her, and she stares at me, her lips slightly parted. ''I loved you Sian, only you.''

''Loved?'' Her voice was quiet and I look down as she questions my use of the past tense. I know I'm still in love with her, but that's what freaked her out in when I told her. I don't want to do that again, I don't want her to run away. ''What about Lana?''

''We broke up.'' Her eyes widen at the announcement. ''I care about her, of course I do, but I've only ever been in love with one person.''

''Soph.'' Her hand reaches out and rests on top of mine, her touch making my skin tingle and I can't help it, I want to feel close to her, so I entwine our fingers.

''Ever since the first time I kissed you, I haven't been able to get you off my mind. The past five months have been the most insane, most heart-breaking of my life, and yet at the same time, they've been the best and happiest I can ever remember being… and that'd all because of you.'' I feel her squeeze my hand and a small smile shows on her lips.

''Sophie I-''

''No Sian, let me say this okay. I've been so afraid to tell you how I feel the past few months, afraid that you'll run away from me, and when I tried to talk to you last time we were together, you didn't want to hear it. I'm still afraid.''

''Tell me now, I'm not going to run. Please Soph''

I look at her, taking in all her beauty and recognising every little detail of her face that I'd not gotten to see lately. Playing with the fingers on her hand that was still linked with mine, I can feel my heart thumping against my rib cage as I build up my courage. Truth is, even more than being able to tell her how I feel, I want to know how she feels, about me, about us.

''I've already told you. You know I love you Sian, I honestly think I've loved you from the first time I kissed you… But you still haven't told me how you feel.''

''I… I've missed you.'' She shuffles closer to me and pulls our hands over on to her lap. ''I've missed spending time with you, I've missed seeing you, I've missed… _being_ with you.'' She blushes as she says it, and even though I'm still annoyed at her, I can't help but grin at how cute she is and I squeeze her hand urging her to continue. ''I'm afraid of the way you make me feel, and I don't think I'll ever stop being afraid, but I know I don't wanna be without you.'' Reaching up with her free hand, she slides a piece of my hair behind my ear as we keep our eyes on each other and she starts to lean in.

''Sian, people are looking?'' As much as I don't want her to freak out, I also don't want her to do anything right now that she'll regret later.

''I don't care.'' I frown as she closes the gap until I can feel her breath against my lips, wondering what's changed that makes her no longer worried about people knowing about us. ''Soph…'' she whispers, her hand finding the back of my neck, and her fingers tangling in my hair. ''I love you.'' My stomach flips and I hear my own breath hitch at her words. She pulls on my neck, and a second later her lips are on mine, the feeling so natural that I don't even think about it before I'm kissing her back. My free hand finds her waist and I kiss her with everything I have, pulling her closer not wanting to lose this feeling. Deepening the kiss, I can't help but moan as her tongue caresses mine turning me on.

The kiss grows more heated, but the sound of someone clearing their throat suddenly pulls us back to reality as the person walks past and Sian giggles as she leans her forehead against mine, making me smile. God, I could listen to her that sound forever. ''Maybe we should go.'' she whispers as I open my eyes and see her beautiful blue eyes looking right back at me.

''We could go to your room.'' I suggested as I leaned back checking my watch, but she shakes her head making me frown at her response.

''Yours is closer.'' I smile, but let out a sigh in realisation.

''Yeah, but Tina will be back by now.''

''Well… I guess today is as good as any for her to start getting used to the sound of you screaming my name.'' she says, biting on her bottom lip with a grin as my mouth drops open. I'm certainly not going to say no to an offer like that, not after craving her for the past four weeks. Tightening my grip on her hand I quickly stand up from the bench, pulling her up with me as we both giggle, running out of the park and in the direction of my house.


End file.
